Life... overrated, but the only choice I have.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6CY-bRO0Yk

Husker Du -Never talking to you again

I post this... as it's been going through my head again and again and again.... 

With no immediate target, just talking to people... Some people I miss, others I don't. 

But, as with most songs, it's not quite right/correct.

I find myself having imaginary conversations. Not quite schizophrenic, rather chats I'd have, if I could. I try sometimes, but I seem to call at an inconvenient/the wrong time. Then it ends, awkwardly ..."Well... I let you go [back to whatever you were doing or is more important, or less irritating]...."
I don't mean to bother anyone, but I'm fucking lonely... Not to sure about interacting with others, scared of being seen as a dickhead, weird, needy, odd... Although I know I am. 

I'm not suicidal, but often think about dying if I could get away with it without causing pain to those I care about... There's a dichotomy!

Morale is low, discipline... less! 

I feel nauseous at the need to go out, vomit at the necessity. It takes me hours to raise the courage to dress and leave home. Any excuse will do to delay. 

I cry ...a lot. Anything emotional, really... Movies, stories, videos, recollections... 
Always briefly, quietly, privately... I wouldn't want to betray myself in public.
I cry, tear-up, eyes overflowing... at anything I watch that has emotional content. I cry at rescue dogs and lost kittens, saved bats. I watch them a lot, although I don't like kats and I'm allergic to the furry cute arrogant beautiful bastards. Odd, I know. 

I miss having a dog... In a one bedroom unit, I cannot have one, sadly. Dogs are forgiving and loving, people... not so much. 

People scare me... in that I fear what they think of me. That others won't see the inherent good in me, merely the sad and krappy bits. I may not be as smart and witty as I believe, in my head. In my head, it's all in my head... 
To be honest, I've never fit in. I've never felt that I fit in. There's my curse... Even in my prime, young fit, well trained, cruising the inner-circle, getting some of the better jobs... I felt removed and at a distance. 

Whenever I want to open-up and express, seems to be the wrong time; or I can't collect my disparate desperate thoughts to portray a cohesive presentation of Me and Myself. 

I look at the cobwebs on the ceiling [a Goth in me like cobwebs] as I wipe a tear and take a deep breath... SNIFF! Blink ..sigh! Chuckle nonchalantly, laconically... 

The rain didn't last long... The warned thunder-storm would've been good! 

I can tap and rattle fingernails, I'm over chewing them to bleeding... Tap tap rattle click... Twitchy as fuck. I keep going until I'm falling asleep.... Watch a movie, see a doco... Concentration span, lately? Fuck all! 
I have to force myself to stay in bed. Do not get up. Don't make the day longer! You need more than 4-6 hours... go for ten or twelve ...or more. 

Fucking hell.... I'm even boring myself now..... 

I still smile and say Hello; Thank you and How are You? Please, Thank You, Excuse Me... etc... 

Meh....