A blast... a blurt-say-everything! 
Here? No-one hears ... Look out!

Diary...

7 Sep 22 22:34

Today... I put the bins out [didn't bring them in] folded a load of washing, did another load and hung it out.

Finally got around to starting a bowel cancer test [finish tomorrow].

I took a bus and renewed a prescription at the chemist, walked to Coles, got some 'baccy, bought and drank one can of bourbon and caught the bus home.

Pre-made meat-loaf for an early tea...

I figured and fitted a taillight/indicators on my push-bike!

Happy enough with my performance.

9 Sep 22 19:48

Didn't do much yesterday, but I did eat... I'm getting my appetite back.

Up at 10:30 after bed at 04:30... Today, I posted off my poo for the bowel-cancer screening, did a pathology blood test [liver function]; picked up some gizmos for my bike [handlebar extension, headlight, mirror, bell] ...shopping, one can of bourbon, home. Fitted gizmos; chicken, spud, peas and pop-eye for tea. Videos... Untold series: Americas Cup, Hockey.

I'm making a point of getting out and doing more... Also waxing my mo,again.

20 Sep 22 19:23Doing a bit shit on this diary gig... A Mate dropped in today, maybe to chat, maybe to see how I was, maybe to vent a spleen. We swapped books, had a good old yack... I like Frank, even though he's as big an arse as me! Maybe who's bigger, but each to their own method.

He delivered some meat, saying he had no room in his freezer... I'm prepared to believe a Deer-Shooter could be in that situation. [Better than admitting he's giving me unsolicited help! FFS! Oh NO!... I'd grimace, bow my head and accept... But I'm not that hungry yet... ] I've food stored, and well stored... Cool and dry etc... I'm not a Prepper, but I've been on the bones of my arse and I REALLY learnt a lesson... I won't starve. Rent for a roof, Power for lights and heating, ...the Internet would be nice and very convenient for Bills etc... but if I had too... I could live without it! ...Without a phone, I'll NEVER get another job.

I reckon I'm losing traction, a bit, with laying-off the booze... D'oh! Only 1-2 days off then most of a day back on the piss. Buying 2l of booze rather than 4l as I know it's hard to get off my arse to buy another Box-Monster... Cheaper too!

Money is getting tight! The phone is due... Car Registration is coming up... Food, Power and Rent are my main concerns... otherwise this brick 1Bdrm unit would be a cave... Without a Ph and Th' Net... I'd be a deaf caveman...

I'm not happy, kool, cool, or satisfied with my current situation... Surprise, surprise, surprise!!!

Mates and Friends, my Sisters are Champions; help prop me up.. Bless 'em! ...but sometimes I'll admit to wallowing in an odd self-pity, own-loathing, the sense that if it's not hard it's shit and... then I get confused about ...everything!

In my earlier 'angst years' as a young rebellious mohawk studded leather-jacket punk, I once wrote

“This could be a suicide note

Except I don't want it to be..." 

Then I learnt stuff, joined the Army... met a chick, got married, she left... 

...And then, my Big Brother Bob “Don't call me Robert!” … Killed himself!

I learnt how much it hurts to have someone end their own life... And I Promise NOT to do it to my remaining Family...

Sniff, wipe eyes, cough, sniff... Phew! Wow...

Still feeling a bit krap but a lot better than before... which was pox!

21 Sep 22 18:43

It would've been Mums Birthday today... 1930-2007.

15 Nov 22 14:09

September October is now November... I must make a point of doing this more often...

October was Janets b/day, Beersheba Day [a Regimental Birthday] a Memorial Service for two young IETS (Diggers doing Initial Employment Training)

...and krap after krap of hour-long phone calls to Centrelink... over a 2-3 y.o. Dole-issue. End result? I'm broke and no dole-money for another fortnight or so...

They fucked-up my payments, I'll pay it, that's fair... But NOT all in one-hit... NOT after YEARS!!! Come on!

On-The-Dole... never good, but not unusual.

15 Nov 22 22:16 “We are each human and have very different shock absorbers.” said a bloke who I recount as a good hand for handling new Diggers.
I saw a Sargent using a machine/front-end loader/tractor/back-hoe... I forget... but I thought “That doesn't seem right...”

I was new at the Regiment, I'd just Marched-In... Which, toward the End -of-the-year meant “New guys do … Rear Details!”

The same bloke from years before, quietly said “That's not how you drive a tractor... Tractors aren't meant to go fast... Y'pick a gear and plod along.”

I didn't know better, but it seemed to make sense for something called a Tractor.

Years later, my Bro-In-Law taught me “Gears? Like a car, but … pick a gear and plod along! It's not a race.”

Small circles.

20 Nov 22 16:40

Sometime ...one just wants to VENT ones spleen and say how fucked life is and how much it sucks! [and then y' have to edit your own shit typing, LOL!]

From the start... I was lying awake, tossing and turning, arranging sheets and blankets... thinking “Either get up, go for a piss or go back to sleep; dickhead!”... It's not that hard.

Liver! I wanted Liver... with Bacon and a Beef Gravy!

Cravings are NOT to be discounted... Y' don't crave something y' don't need. The body doesn't crave something it doesn't know...

I'm craving Liver... I know Liver. I've had it before... My body knows it has Iron and Protein and all the good kit...

I've never craved Raspberry Ice-cream as I've never had it... Ergo... Trust a craving!
Not chocolate or tobacco or booze!!! They are hidden by sugar or habit....!!

And... after a shower, a walk, a wait [doing a Kindle Book] and a bus-ride... “Thank-you” Bus-driver... a short wander to the Swooper-Markt...
NO FUCKING Liver! FFS! ...LOL! That was the whole purpose of my trip...
Ha!
Steak and Kidney, of some form, tonight.... There must be some form of sustenance in kidney I crave... probably Iron, I suspect...
We'll see... I'll see, probably.

I've spent my day [Sund'y] on a bus, waiting for a bus, at the Super-Market... and on-line gobbing-off to friendly folk... some of who didn't deserve it...

Yes... Issues to sort!

Life continues as I sort it... Thank you, everyone that has concerns... I'm OK, just spouting!

Pete, gobbing-off; but OK. Rest! Standdown, please.

15 Jan 23 20:38

Today was good.

Poached eggs on toast, marmalade on toast and a cup of tea with a bit of honey as I didn't have much sugar.

I vacuumed, tidied... AND fixed the toaster! ...and the deadlock!

While making dinner, I found some sugar.

09:10 9 Feb 23

Mostly off the piss... not now but usually... Phew...! 4-5,6-7 days off booze... [LOL! Not now, but usually!]

Toot toot, smoking down that line... not a cigarette in sight for a fortnight [?!...Really?] Umm or there about! ...blink, look about ...think double check ...nearly 10 on Thursday 9 Feb 23.

There's a gap... I remember 02-03Feb... some Ph calls...

5-8 seem a bit vague. I do remember waking up at odd times, falling asleep, watching YouTube.

Waking up... Pheew... buh...

...caught in the act, …..................WOW! That was was trippy!

Expose into scene

[Prelude] ….Hmmm... The entry of 09Feb23 seems a lot suspect, but don't recall what the fuck was going on... other than I seemed more than a bit fucked-up somehow. Scattered perhaps... Psych not Pharm, but never the less...

21:50 31 Mar 23 ...being a diarist has never been a strong point. September started sporadically but not awful... November was sketchy... December, was OK if not good, but unrecorded; which is rather pox as I liked relenting to go to xmas at Kelly and Phil's, and became a “Druncle” but laughing and smiling and enjoying the whole time... Met a lady who was nice and laughed when I stumbled.... I was too pissed. Learning point? Yes!
Last month, or so... I dropped in to visit Kel' an' Phil... a teenager on the lounge watching TV ...I leant in and waved hello.
(If someone comes into the room, from outside, door-bell stuff... One says hello, yeah? Well, she didn't, so I did... )
Then her Mum came to pick her up... “Oh hello! Drunk Uncle!” I now remember where I have met this kid … Xmas lunch.

Anyway... December was a good xmas and an early-to-bed take-no-calls not-interested new year.

January onwards is fragmentally noted...

Back to 31 Mar 23 ...22:15… I told my AOD [Alcohol and Other Drugs] lady/woman/counsellor/nurse/thought-nazi that I'd probably benefit from a Diary or more exotically a Journal (as if someone may read it...) ...but, as one will see, it's rather spasmodic and disjointed... Like my thoughts and methods, will and effort; designs and motivation.

I'm mostly down, disgruntled, pissed-off mostly at myself, annoyed at everything but primarily at my own self-loathing, uncoordinated stoopidness, ill-discipline and wont of escape through booze and drugs.... Feeling I'm not as start as I thought doesn't help as I struggle with concentration and comprehension...
I'm still viable and intelligent, smart, etc... But... I do reckon I've killed off a few too many brain-cells... even if they were the slow ones!

I cry... well, actually I hold back at the stage of tears blurring my view, I wish I could burst into full-blown sobs... at the drop of a hat! Sad song, funny movie, cuddly dog, news article, veteran remembrances, rescued kids... anything with a bit +1 emotion will have me blurry and sniffing! ...Like diary entries!

So... This Diary gig.

For a bloke that easily and [oddly] proudly drank a bottle of Bourbon per night... NOT drinking for 5-6 days is a good thing...
I don't want to Not-Drink!! Getting pissed is cathartic... liberating !!

Look at me, now... I'm bleeding my heart onto a Diary...

I've mostly got out of the habit and addiction of smoking, thank fuck!!
Mostly? In the last month, I've had one day where I smoked a packet of Wee Willem mini-cigars, then nothing again. Thank fuck for nicotine patches on prescription!! [$6.30 on prescription.... $60 on the shelf!!!] (Consult your local Quack!)

Jobs are an issue... I feel that no-one wants to hire a 56yo without a license and not real relatable skills... I'm not a salesman, particularly for Me!

Maybe true, but I don't want to apply for hard labouring jobs... I'm closer to 60 than 50, FFS! I can dig a ditch! But why would I? That's for young lads. I need a job for my age and supposed wisdom and experience that isn't easily portrayed in a letter and a resume. ...I'm trying to address that, as I can! ...I've been assigned to a “Job-Provider” although there is probably a newer gucci-phrase that is being 'utilized'.
Soon after... I attended an Info-Session for a class on “Post Pandemic Customer Service Training” aka Karm... Which, without the hype and catch-phrases, could be labelled “Dealing with arseholes”... I'm looking forward to attending the course. ...after I attend a Risk-Assessment as my job-mob deem it necessary to keep me safe from anther Job-Provider.
I expressed my incredulity at this procedure... “Surely the other institution has their own assessments, fire escapes, signed exits, posted fire extinguishers...? ...or do you not trust them????” ...In a work-place that deals with drug-affected, homeless, psychotic, deranged and uncertain people... I think their “Risk-Assessment” may be well out of order.

I reckon it's floating the boat... I'll attend another appointment... They'll receive another stipend.

As I like to say...
However Comma... That's mostly beside the point. What's the point?

I'm not sure, really... Staying alive? [No, not the BeeGee's!] Doing it... Roof over my head? Food in my system? Clean water? Warmth? ...the survival issues are covered! After that … On th' Dole? I can stash some items like … a litre of UHT milk, a bag of rice, some oatmeal [porridge goes a long way!] stock-cubes help make a dodgy meal better... Cabbage is a hero! Bulk and fibre. Same for 'Shrooms but they're expensive...

The only reason to look forward to xmas is Lions Club Christmas Cakes! [and dinner and meeting Relo's … ] Good solid, stodgy, store-able, tasty food!! (Add UHT Custard!) Long shelf life... I recently enjoyed Lions cake and custard that was two years old! 
I bought more, to replenish stocks!

Do I digress? ...Yeah, widely....

I've [re-]learnt the enjoyment of a Phew-breakfast!
For 30+yrs breakfast was a scratch, a look-around, a smoke and a coffee AKA a Bushies Breakfast.
Often, I was satisfied with a Dingoes Brekkie... A scratch and a look around.
But the Phew-breakfast is anything that y'get up and make and effort beyond a cup of tea... (I'm leaving a cigarette out! I'm trying to give up.) ...toast is a good start, add margarine or butter, Vegemite, cheese... Stop there or...! Poached Heggs! While you're at the stove... Bacon, maybe heat up the left-over from last night?... It is a good launch into the day.
NOT essential! I'll add... but the effort behind it is.
My FAVOURITE start to the day... A strong cuppa tea and Poached Heggs on toast with Vegemite and cheese! [A single serve of V'mite = 50% of daily recommended Thiamine, + other B-stuff and all goodies.]

I walk more... Reason? I've no license-to-drive (Yes, pissed cunt, got caught!) ...so, When I look at a bus-timetable... “I could walk home, before the next bus.” ...Off I go!

Better for it? Yep! It's only 2-3Km but better than 40min of waiting reading Kindle. Muscles moving, heart beating, mind taking in more than a bus-stop...

This could sound like a suicide note... I've still that thought in the back of my head... But... I couldn't leave a shit-fight for anyone to clean and tidy and sort... so I'll keep plodding my way through my accumulated krap, sorting and discarding as I “tidy”... and continue doing “Life Jim, but not as we know it!”

If my “house” is tidy, excess krap removed, rent paid in advance, the garden sorted... The Funeral Insurance will be paid and Life Insurance sorted... There will be a list of passwords to my cyber-life and links... Please send my regards.

BUT!! Not yet... I don't have my shit-in-one-sock yet, or for a while... so stand-down the morticians.

...with all that typed and checked for spilleng mistooks, it'll be saved directly.
To small avail, really... a tiny bit off my chest, feelings shown which I'd hope were known and recognised... but not many really know any.

I'll finish the second bottle of Port, always wishing that I could and would express my feelings and intents, beliefs and bewilderments, at the world, sober... to the people in it, they may they react and do ...shit!
FFS! I do not hate anyone. ...Some are hard to understand, but ...Pffggffph ...everyone has kids and a partner and wants to get on in life...!!

I only have 1 of those three points. Single, no kids, want to continue doing a best version of Me.

All the HUGE issues that Fuck-Shit-Up... religion, politics, nationalism, sectarianism, ethnicity, branches, back-rooms, hidden agendas, and all that puss is not really due in the fact that ...Hey! You and I are living on the same planet... The only home we have... I don't actually hate you...
It's my “Bosses” that say I should kill you... Reasons? Religion, Nationalism, Ethnicity.... etc
What a load of Rubbish!

...Phew! That's a big rant, Pete!?
Yes, yes it was...! I'll sleep well tonight.

My best to anyone that gets this far.
My best thought and wishes to all...

Pete, Out.