Here's my update...

 I write a diary entry, occasionally... 

It usually takes a week + of thinking and reckoning to "BLURT!" about something... maybe kinky, maybe pissed off at the world... maybe a chance meeting with a favourite Aunt!

I was really drunk the other night. I knew it was coming... things like, thinking "You're a bit pissed, Pete!"
"I know! I said to myself... 
"Careful! Bloke, you could do yourself a mischief!" ...I always seem to go "Cockney Accent" when I feel like "The Bloke who Drank Too much!" which is an Aussie backyard thing... 

I'm not sure why! I drink too much, take drugs until I blank-out... I've done it for a long time. 
...Well! I'm not specifically sure Why!? 

A few events in my upbringing were a bit of a Shock to me... I'll not mention them here. 
They remain... not scars, but events that affected me! 
Memories are vague and hazy and fraught with things I don't remember/want to remember... and rather krap, really... 
But as a consequence, or result... I get drunk, a lot! Sometimes very drunk to the point of waking up in a pool of blood, sometimes to vomit and think "That was a waste of food!"... 
Sad but true! 
I try to moderate often... like now, after the last two recent events close together... and give 'my poor old Liver a bit of a rest' ...but it never lasts long. 

I drink a lot less when I have a bag of Pot. Mary J Juana, the Devils Weed, some Green. But that's another issue with The Law. 
I'm already on an Interlock Device to stop me from Drink Driving ...Bad Lad, Pete! I've blown it a few times now, leading to an extension. 6 months has become 10... Bugger!

No-one is supposed to read this, but I hope some will... as I post the link here and there, at whim. 

That's all for now... Kind of "Dear Diary"! 

Pete... 
Now! I'll add this for accuracy... When I was in the Army, ending a radio message meant "That's all, I have no more to say" ...but it didn't mean 'you can't answer!' 

I still think in Army terms and methods... It was a huge part of My Life! ...I've been out for longer than I was in, and never shook the general attitude, as I felt it. Odd...

Pete, Out. 

New digs, new tights, new braces, and stuff...

 New digs, new tights, new braces, and stuff... ie: New House, new home... Gas connected... Woohoo! 

...and I'm in the new place! No. Ah hem of such and such a Street! Yip Yah!! 
It's so BIG... Lil' ol' Me in this big Two Bedroom house!! 

Spontaneous clicking on some high-waisted, pocketed, tight shiny leggings ...AND a pair of braces! Braces, suspenders... over the shoulder to hold pans up. 
READDRESSED from the old place... Viva AustPost! ...to my new letterbox! How good is this shit?! VG!!

So... the new place... in my new shiny duds, held up with my new extra-wide braces... I made a pair of some cheap thigh-high boots I also spontaneously clicked on a while ago...

"made a pair"? you ask...? Yes... one boot, rather tight and a squeeze... out of a box, and ........a looong pause until I found the pair, in a separate bag in another room! ...Have I mentioned I HATE moving houses??! Have I!!? 
But I found the pair and stretched them for a while... ugh! ...with my tights with a pocket either side... held up by my new braces... Not a bad day!?! At all... 

I may go and 'run a bath' as they say...  Why not?!

Pete, Out. 

Hot water, a shower, a Bath and finding those pins!

 ...without looking at what my last post was...  I can't remember what I was on about! 

Let's draw a line under 25Apr or so, and do this

..............................................................................................................

Sunday 28 April 2024.... 
New digs, new house/Home/place to be... Woohoo! I'm out of the Scottish address and into another rental. 
The shift-out was a bit untidy and very underwhelming... I imagine I'll owe on that gig. MTF!

The new place...?! Whoa! BIG ...! 
Hollow with wood floors!!! [sounds like "HOLLOW WITH WOOD FLOORS!!!" ]

Hopefully... tomorrow... Monday... I'll have the gas connected! Only for hot water, but Wet-Ones are a bit less than a shower... OR... OR!! ...a BATH!!!! 
WooHoo!!! I'm SO looking forward to sparking the hot-water service up... and drawing a long hot bath. 
Bring on the Radox!!

...but it's Sunday, so not much will happen today [spoiler alert?! Nothing happened...] 
Thursday was ANZAC Day... and Aussies being Aussies... it became a long weekend for so many it may as well be Official. I was surprised to see an NBN-tech on my doorstep on Friday... 
I was also a bit surprised at Telstras' level of interest/care over my change-of-address... A phone call per day! A fully prepared Operator [...so well prepared that I was told "not the XXXXX you were talking to last night!" ...LOL!]

But it's working OK, so far... ha ha!!

Monday 29Apr24... about 1/4 to four... No gas flowing here...!!! 
I want a shower!

But I'd settle for the pins that go in a bookcase, to suspend the shelves! ...

A week later... 5days... after 4-5 calls.

Friday, 03May24. Yay! The gas is ON! The hot-water service is blazing away! Woohoo!

[Pause... go and turned the hot-water down! ...I'm back!]

Fuck!? It's cold out! ...he says grinning! I might have a bath!

 Large in the easy-to-read Verdana... Thank me later. 

My next rant... [Oh goodness, here it comes...] Is about fucking FaceBook! 
I use Facebook fairly often... My Nieces and Nephews tell me "Catch up! ...it's all about Insta or Snap or ..." some other shit. 

All/Most of my old Friends are on FB... (Young'ns tell me Only Old People use facebook!)
However, FB are being a pack of cunt... lately! 

My last six posts have been replied with "Your posts are under consideration. ...We'll let you know about the progress..." WTF?!
What did I say? 

One post... 'under consideration' was about looking forward to having a bath in my new house! 
I ask why is that 'under consideration'?? 

I'll admit that I can be a bit acerbic or cynical or bitter in my posts; but I try to be humorous and/or laconic... and of all the posts and Memes and comments on FB... Why am I being dealt the pineapple?

...I still can't post, still wondering why not?
Pete, out. 

 

Good news... For all the folk that do or don't follow me! ...I have somewhere to move to!! Yip Yah in the Biggest Order of Magnitude! 

My last plan was either a car and a tent or finding somewhere to place a mate's caravan! 

Thanks to an observant Cousin... a couple of phone calls, a chat, a visit and a long wait...! [Honestly, less than a week but it seemed endless.] ...I was told I could have a 12-month lease!! Woo fucking HOO! 

A huge weight of my mind and I like to THANK ____ ______ and _____ ______ SO much!! 

Now to the endless and shitful effort of sorting, chucking and shifting all the krap I've accumulated over the eons... And hitting up mates and rellies for utes and trailers!! Ugh! Huge eye-roll!

BUT...!!! Not homeless! Thank fuck! 

Pete Out!

  Sometimes... one watches a vid. On YouTube, generally, in my case... And bells start ringing, on several levels... 

The tough Aussie, son of ANZAC says... It'll be right! I'm fine! 
But then the tears start flowing at odd moments, funny, sad or no particular cause... just a memory, a sad song that isn't necessarily sad... and I ask WHY!? Why the fuck?! 

And one asks what the fuck is going on? I've never been shot at, with intent... No-one has ever really tried to kill me... But I've been VERY scared, lot's of times. Been beside a slab of explosive going FUCKING BOOM!! Had Howitzers and Tank Guns firing near me to rattle my skull... Been in domestic situations that were supressed and sublimated for many years... Been sexually abused by a "Family Friend" ...etc. 

But I still feel that "You've no excuse..." to call PTSD or Anxiety or OCD, or start crying or want to hide away in my cave... avoid people or want to vomit when I need to go out. 

Phew! Fucking hell... Basic training alone was a bit more than an eye-opener. Kapooka is PTSD in itself! 

So, I smile and laugh... and get along and continue! 
I'm alive because I made a Promise to not kill myself! 
My brother Bob drove down a country road and set a .410 shotgun to his head... and stopped his frustrated confused pain... That hurt my family SO much I promised Myself I wouldn't do it to anyone else... 

I don't know, nor will ever, know what Bob was thinking... That's an "only one man will know, and he's dead!" situation... He was a Victorian Copper... Probably, by the job, PTSD as fuck!! There's a reason... 
What hurts... and I vaguely try to change... is that he didn't talk/chat/communicate to anyone that I know of... Apparently, he wrote letters, but I've not seen them... 

I was a pall-bearer at his funeral... alongside five big burly Coppers he knew and had spoken about! ...the coffin was many inches above my short-arse shoulder... There's photos, actual light-onto-film photos of the event... Me in Service Dress, the Burly Coppers in their Best... all sombre and steady, brave for a fallen Comrade. 

The photo of choice though, is of me hugging... Him consoling, a Good Old Family Friend, The Reverend Ronald "Moffat" White... A lovely bloke! I wish that I'd kept in touch... 

...and Mum and Dad were married in the same St Pauls in Myers St. Bendigo... I don't tear-up when I see it! ...more than weekly ...sad outweighs proud! 
Without the religious bit, I essentially became of that spot! ...as an atheist, that's a bit odd, really. 

Life is generally... OK/Meh! It continues, I deal with it... 
Pete, over... 

Everyday normal bloke about to face homelessness... FFS!

 I am... as chuffed as a happy person that is really pleased with themself!!

I got my license back today!! Woohoo! 

I posted on FB: "So! ...license (receipt) in hand, I drive for about 3hrs! Traffic? Bring it on!

Over Big Hill, through Lockwood, out to Longlea, nearly Epsom... visited Nick, dropped in to see my boss, went to my old job to say hi... filled the car with 98 octane, bought oil and some bug removing windscreen cleaner... nearly bought some bullet-hole stickers... and then volunteered at the Red Cross OpShop. WOOHOO! 

As chuffed as a really happy person that is quite pleased!😎" 

Situation... for new or occasional viewers... 
I lost my license for Drink Drinking! Yeah, I know! Bad lad! 
I did it. I got caught at 0.1! Mid-range dickhead... I also lost my job, ended up on the dole and ...found cardiology issues, emphysema, gut issues at both ends... a bit of a mental-crisis and broke as fuck! 
Shit, eh?

Then found my flat/unit/home had been sold out from under me... Available housing is scarce, affordable housing is as rare as rocking horse shit! 
Next month, I could be homeless! On the upside, I have a car, a job, a LICENSE [woohoo!] and a tent! ...

I bought a Bush Jacket today... Winter is coming! 
The more I look at rentals, the more I look at camping kit and survival gear next. This winter may be a cold and blustery existence...

As a Soldier, I say "OK... It'll be fine. Phew, but I'll manage!"
As a 57 year old dude that was a soldier... I'm more than a bit concerned. 
Fuck!  ...but try not to show it!

I've always paid or re-paid my way... I've always tried to 'do my best, do my duty' ...even on the dole I donate to charity. Cubs taught me to do a daily good deed. As an adult, that's letting someone into traffic, helping someone who trips, picking up a dropped can at the supermarket, simple stuff like saying "After you...".
A few coins to a busker. Giving a smoke to someone who asks... I know what it's like to need a ciggie. 

That "kharma" gig feels like a bit of krap, sometimes... 

But... I have my license back! Yip Yah! The Inter-lock Device will re-teach me not to Drink and Drive even though loss of license and ...so far nearly $2000 to get my license should've. 
Now, I have to 'lease' the device by the month, have it 'serviced' [read Upload the Content], do a Course to have it removed, then pay to have it removed... another $1000 or so... 
...it's a good thing that the Magistrate didn't Fine me! ...only a 12month Good Behaviour Bond. As if...? 

But! On the upside... I can get to work tomorrow morning without a $40 taxi fare. 
Think about that!... If you had to pay $40 to go to a part-time job, would you? 3-4 times a week? 

Happy as, that I've a license back, a registered car, a tent and the knowledge to live in the bush... if I have to... 

Friends and Family have offered all sorts of accommodation and help and support... but who wants to have the spare room?! 
It's appreciated, but I'd rather a place of my own... which, from several searches... Is either wishful thinking or out-of-my-price...  
Dread thought... living in a room with a few Uni-Students to share the kitchen and bog?! Not happening, even if I was accepted. 
Rentals are Bendigo is scarse...! In Bendigo... It's all "Fully furnished" and massively expensive, or a room, or costly because it's a "short walk to the CBD!" 

Real Estate people think that everyone works in a nice office in "the CBD" ...just a short walk! Then they portray the 'catchment areas' ...something about schools!
Schools? I want a 1 bdrm flat, empty, and affordable... ! FFS!

I'm NOT a Yuppy, not 'Professional', don't need 'close to the CBD', I'm not concerned about the "Age Demographics" of my area nor the re-sale value, nor the Sale History much... 
I reckon "Selling" is out-reaching renting... to the betterment of the former and the demise of the latter. ...Bugger! ...Fuck, eh?! 

I just want an affordable place to go home to. Next step? Apply, apply apply! ...even for places I don't want or can barely afford... Because, if not?! 
It's a caravan from a Mate (Try and find a caravan park, lately!!) ...or "I have my car, and a tent!" 

It's Life Jim, but not as we know it!  

This is not how I thought the 21st Century would be! 

 When I work... 3-5 days a week... it's a 0500 start! That means bed at 8PM if I want 8Hrs... 
But yesterday, I didn't werk, and slept in 'til 0600! So I'm not tired... at 2000hrs ... and have to say "You'll be fucked tomorrow!" ...
But I'm not tired!!! 
Oh FFS! 
 

 

Monday 15Jan24... I did mention that I'm not a good Diarist, just a bloke that writes occasionally …

So the past month or so was shit and good.

Shit health-wise, feeling pox, gastroscopies, colonoscopies, test, checks.. and feeling generally krap, but trying to “keep on keeping on!” ...as one does.

Good that I'm trying to learn a new attitude... to my attitude.. and 'not really giving a fuck!' seems to help... !!

Poor XXXX... they've hired a broken, tired, broke old dude that's making a serious effort to not care! Ha!

I still do the job, well and as best I can without having a Cardiac Event!
I don't talk to many folk at work, I don't get the chance... One or three people are nice and I chat... But most are just faces and “Hi, thanks.” etc...

Sometimes I feel so removed from what is “expected” social activity and interaction... that I dry-retch when I need to go outside.

So, when I walk out the door, I'm nervous sweat, clearing my nose of spew, wiping my eyes and tears, heavy breathing, and trying to remain calm and in control! ...Good luck with that!

And... then there's eating! ...I'm not hungry, usually. I can go a few days without “I need to eat!” ...but, that's an issue in that “if you don't eat, Pete!... you'll get sick! Malnutrition is an issue!”

So I force myself to consume... which is shit! Ever tried to over-eat?

Light foods... Noodles, Dim Sum... etc. Cuppa Soup is good. It's some form of sustenance in my guts. ...Just writing this, makes me feel like an invalid!

 I can't say "new" but I'll say newly interested in stuff and interactions and life and ... My attitude towards it all!
In a nutshell, I don't care what you think of me! Your view is probably wrong and misinformed... So why would I care? Your thoughts of me, are none of my business!

I post here because I reckon you may agree or not... If you think about it? Very good.

 

 

15 Apr 23 17:16

I'm feeling a bit odd and weirdly disparate at the moment...
I keep a fairly regular view on FaceBook and Youtube as I view and comment.
Face Book in particular seem to hide or suppress my posts... You Tube are OK.

I've posted many things on FB but never seen them again... Gone. Not on my Page, not in my posts... Suss!
I've also been told “This Page is Unavailable” ...when I click 'This page is suspended' or similar and I can't see it...
Yes, I'll push boundaries, or like the off-side..
Face Book and You Tube is suss as fuck!

A blast... a blurt-say-everything! 
Here? No-one hears ... Look out!

Diary...

7 Sep 22 22:34

Today... I put the bins out [didn't bring them in] folded a load of washing, did another load and hung it out.

Finally got around to starting a bowel cancer test [finish tomorrow].

I took a bus and renewed a prescription at the chemist, walked to Coles, got some 'baccy, bought and drank one can of bourbon and caught the bus home.

Pre-made meat-loaf for an early tea...

I figured and fitted a taillight/indicators on my push-bike!

Happy enough with my performance.

9 Sep 22 19:48

Didn't do much yesterday, but I did eat... I'm getting my appetite back.

Up at 10:30 after bed at 04:30... Today, I posted off my poo for the bowel-cancer screening, did a pathology blood test [liver function]; picked up some gizmos for my bike [handlebar extension, headlight, mirror, bell] ...shopping, one can of bourbon, home. Fitted gizmos; chicken, spud, peas and pop-eye for tea. Videos... Untold series: Americas Cup, Hockey.

I'm making a point of getting out and doing more... Also waxing my mo,again.

20 Sep 22 19:23Doing a bit shit on this diary gig... A Mate dropped in today, maybe to chat, maybe to see how I was, maybe to vent a spleen. We swapped books, had a good old yack... I like Frank, even though he's as big an arse as me! Maybe who's bigger, but each to their own method.

He delivered some meat, saying he had no room in his freezer... I'm prepared to believe a Deer-Shooter could be in that situation. [Better than admitting he's giving me unsolicited help! FFS! Oh NO!... I'd grimace, bow my head and accept... But I'm not that hungry yet... ] I've food stored, and well stored... Cool and dry etc... I'm not a Prepper, but I've been on the bones of my arse and I REALLY learnt a lesson... I won't starve. Rent for a roof, Power for lights and heating, ...the Internet would be nice and very convenient for Bills etc... but if I had too... I could live without it! ...Without a phone, I'll NEVER get another job.

I reckon I'm losing traction, a bit, with laying-off the booze... D'oh! Only 1-2 days off then most of a day back on the piss. Buying 2l of booze rather than 4l as I know it's hard to get off my arse to buy another Box-Monster... Cheaper too!

Money is getting tight! The phone is due... Car Registration is coming up... Food, Power and Rent are my main concerns... otherwise this brick 1Bdrm unit would be a cave... Without a Ph and Th' Net... I'd be a deaf caveman...

I'm not happy, kool, cool, or satisfied with my current situation... Surprise, surprise, surprise!!!

Mates and Friends, my Sisters are Champions; help prop me up.. Bless 'em! ...but sometimes I'll admit to wallowing in an odd self-pity, own-loathing, the sense that if it's not hard it's shit and... then I get confused about ...everything!

In my earlier 'angst years' as a young rebellious mohawk studded leather-jacket punk, I once wrote

“This could be a suicide note

Except I don't want it to be..." 

Then I learnt stuff, joined the Army... met a chick, got married, she left... 

...And then, my Big Brother Bob “Don't call me Robert!” … Killed himself!

I learnt how much it hurts to have someone end their own life... And I Promise NOT to do it to my remaining Family...

Sniff, wipe eyes, cough, sniff... Phew! Wow...

Still feeling a bit krap but a lot better than before... which was pox!

21 Sep 22 18:43

It would've been Mums Birthday today... 1930-2007.

15 Nov 22 14:09

September October is now November... I must make a point of doing this more often...

October was Janets b/day, Beersheba Day [a Regimental Birthday] a Memorial Service for two young IETS (Diggers doing Initial Employment Training)

...and krap after krap of hour-long phone calls to Centrelink... over a 2-3 y.o. Dole-issue. End result? I'm broke and no dole-money for another fortnight or so...

They fucked-up my payments, I'll pay it, that's fair... But NOT all in one-hit... NOT after YEARS!!! Come on!

On-The-Dole... never good, but not unusual.

15 Nov 22 22:16 “We are each human and have very different shock absorbers.” said a bloke who I recount as a good hand for handling new Diggers.
I saw a Sargent using a machine/front-end loader/tractor/back-hoe... I forget... but I thought “That doesn't seem right...”

I was new at the Regiment, I'd just Marched-In... Which, toward the End -of-the-year meant “New guys do … Rear Details!”

The same bloke from years before, quietly said “That's not how you drive a tractor... Tractors aren't meant to go fast... Y'pick a gear and plod along.”

I didn't know better, but it seemed to make sense for something called a Tractor.

Years later, my Bro-In-Law taught me “Gears? Like a car, but … pick a gear and plod along! It's not a race.”

Small circles.

20 Nov 22 16:40

Sometime ...one just wants to VENT ones spleen and say how fucked life is and how much it sucks! [and then y' have to edit your own shit typing, LOL!]

From the start... I was lying awake, tossing and turning, arranging sheets and blankets... thinking “Either get up, go for a piss or go back to sleep; dickhead!”... It's not that hard.

Liver! I wanted Liver... with Bacon and a Beef Gravy!

Cravings are NOT to be discounted... Y' don't crave something y' don't need. The body doesn't crave something it doesn't know...

I'm craving Liver... I know Liver. I've had it before... My body knows it has Iron and Protein and all the good kit...

I've never craved Raspberry Ice-cream as I've never had it... Ergo... Trust a craving!
Not chocolate or tobacco or booze!!! They are hidden by sugar or habit....!!

And... after a shower, a walk, a wait [doing a Kindle Book] and a bus-ride... “Thank-you” Bus-driver... a short wander to the Swooper-Markt...
NO FUCKING Liver! FFS! ...LOL! That was the whole purpose of my trip...
Ha!
Steak and Kidney, of some form, tonight.... There must be some form of sustenance in kidney I crave... probably Iron, I suspect...
We'll see... I'll see, probably.

I've spent my day [Sund'y] on a bus, waiting for a bus, at the Super-Market... and on-line gobbing-off to friendly folk... some of who didn't deserve it...

Yes... Issues to sort!

Life continues as I sort it... Thank you, everyone that has concerns... I'm OK, just spouting!

Pete, gobbing-off; but OK. Rest! Standdown, please.

15 Jan 23 20:38

Today was good.

Poached eggs on toast, marmalade on toast and a cup of tea with a bit of honey as I didn't have much sugar.

I vacuumed, tidied... AND fixed the toaster! ...and the deadlock!

While making dinner, I found some sugar.

09:10 9 Feb 23

Mostly off the piss... not now but usually... Phew...! 4-5,6-7 days off booze... [LOL! Not now, but usually!]

Toot toot, smoking down that line... not a cigarette in sight for a fortnight [?!...Really?] Umm or there about! ...blink, look about ...think double check ...nearly 10 on Thursday 9 Feb 23.

There's a gap... I remember 02-03Feb... some Ph calls...

5-8 seem a bit vague. I do remember waking up at odd times, falling asleep, watching YouTube.

Waking up... Pheew... buh...

...caught in the act, …..................WOW! That was was trippy!

Expose into scene

[Prelude] ….Hmmm... The entry of 09Feb23 seems a lot suspect, but don't recall what the fuck was going on... other than I seemed more than a bit fucked-up somehow. Scattered perhaps... Psych not Pharm, but never the less...

21:50 31 Mar 23 ...being a diarist has never been a strong point. September started sporadically but not awful... November was sketchy... December, was OK if not good, but unrecorded; which is rather pox as I liked relenting to go to xmas at Kelly and Phil's, and became a “Druncle” but laughing and smiling and enjoying the whole time... Met a lady who was nice and laughed when I stumbled.... I was too pissed. Learning point? Yes!
Last month, or so... I dropped in to visit Kel' an' Phil... a teenager on the lounge watching TV ...I leant in and waved hello.
(If someone comes into the room, from outside, door-bell stuff... One says hello, yeah? Well, she didn't, so I did... )
Then her Mum came to pick her up... “Oh hello! Drunk Uncle!” I now remember where I have met this kid … Xmas lunch.

Anyway... December was a good xmas and an early-to-bed take-no-calls not-interested new year.

January onwards is fragmentally noted...

Back to 31 Mar 23 ...22:15… I told my AOD [Alcohol and Other Drugs] lady/woman/counsellor/nurse/thought-nazi that I'd probably benefit from a Diary or more exotically a Journal (as if someone may read it...) ...but, as one will see, it's rather spasmodic and disjointed... Like my thoughts and methods, will and effort; designs and motivation.

I'm mostly down, disgruntled, pissed-off mostly at myself, annoyed at everything but primarily at my own self-loathing, uncoordinated stoopidness, ill-discipline and wont of escape through booze and drugs.... Feeling I'm not as start as I thought doesn't help as I struggle with concentration and comprehension...
I'm still viable and intelligent, smart, etc... But... I do reckon I've killed off a few too many brain-cells... even if they were the slow ones!

I cry... well, actually I hold back at the stage of tears blurring my view, I wish I could burst into full-blown sobs... at the drop of a hat! Sad song, funny movie, cuddly dog, news article, veteran remembrances, rescued kids... anything with a bit +1 emotion will have me blurry and sniffing! ...Like diary entries!

So... This Diary gig.

For a bloke that easily and [oddly] proudly drank a bottle of Bourbon per night... NOT drinking for 5-6 days is a good thing...
I don't want to Not-Drink!! Getting pissed is cathartic... liberating !!

Look at me, now... I'm bleeding my heart onto a Diary...

I've mostly got out of the habit and addiction of smoking, thank fuck!!
Mostly? In the last month, I've had one day where I smoked a packet of Wee Willem mini-cigars, then nothing again. Thank fuck for nicotine patches on prescription!! [$6.30 on prescription.... $60 on the shelf!!!] (Consult your local Quack!)

Jobs are an issue... I feel that no-one wants to hire a 56yo without a license and not real relatable skills... I'm not a salesman, particularly for Me!

Maybe true, but I don't want to apply for hard labouring jobs... I'm closer to 60 than 50, FFS! I can dig a ditch! But why would I? That's for young lads. I need a job for my age and supposed wisdom and experience that isn't easily portrayed in a letter and a resume. ...I'm trying to address that, as I can! ...I've been assigned to a “Job-Provider” although there is probably a newer gucci-phrase that is being 'utilized'.
Soon after... I attended an Info-Session for a class on “Post Pandemic Customer Service Training” aka Karm... Which, without the hype and catch-phrases, could be labelled “Dealing with arseholes”... I'm looking forward to attending the course. ...after I attend a Risk-Assessment as my job-mob deem it necessary to keep me safe from anther Job-Provider.
I expressed my incredulity at this procedure... “Surely the other institution has their own assessments, fire escapes, signed exits, posted fire extinguishers...? ...or do you not trust them????” ...In a work-place that deals with drug-affected, homeless, psychotic, deranged and uncertain people... I think their “Risk-Assessment” may be well out of order.

I reckon it's floating the boat... I'll attend another appointment... They'll receive another stipend.

As I like to say...
However Comma... That's mostly beside the point. What's the point?

I'm not sure, really... Staying alive? [No, not the BeeGee's!] Doing it... Roof over my head? Food in my system? Clean water? Warmth? ...the survival issues are covered! After that … On th' Dole? I can stash some items like … a litre of UHT milk, a bag of rice, some oatmeal [porridge goes a long way!] stock-cubes help make a dodgy meal better... Cabbage is a hero! Bulk and fibre. Same for 'Shrooms but they're expensive...

The only reason to look forward to xmas is Lions Club Christmas Cakes! [and dinner and meeting Relo's … ] Good solid, stodgy, store-able, tasty food!! (Add UHT Custard!) Long shelf life... I recently enjoyed Lions cake and custard that was two years old! 
I bought more, to replenish stocks!

Do I digress? ...Yeah, widely....

I've [re-]learnt the enjoyment of a Phew-breakfast!
For 30+yrs breakfast was a scratch, a look-around, a smoke and a coffee AKA a Bushies Breakfast.
Often, I was satisfied with a Dingoes Brekkie... A scratch and a look around.
But the Phew-breakfast is anything that y'get up and make and effort beyond a cup of tea... (I'm leaving a cigarette out! I'm trying to give up.) ...toast is a good start, add margarine or butter, Vegemite, cheese... Stop there or...! Poached Heggs! While you're at the stove... Bacon, maybe heat up the left-over from last night?... It is a good launch into the day.
NOT essential! I'll add... but the effort behind it is.
My FAVOURITE start to the day... A strong cuppa tea and Poached Heggs on toast with Vegemite and cheese! [A single serve of V'mite = 50% of daily recommended Thiamine, + other B-stuff and all goodies.]

I walk more... Reason? I've no license-to-drive (Yes, pissed cunt, got caught!) ...so, When I look at a bus-timetable... “I could walk home, before the next bus.” ...Off I go!

Better for it? Yep! It's only 2-3Km but better than 40min of waiting reading Kindle. Muscles moving, heart beating, mind taking in more than a bus-stop...

This could sound like a suicide note... I've still that thought in the back of my head... But... I couldn't leave a shit-fight for anyone to clean and tidy and sort... so I'll keep plodding my way through my accumulated krap, sorting and discarding as I “tidy”... and continue doing “Life Jim, but not as we know it!”

If my “house” is tidy, excess krap removed, rent paid in advance, the garden sorted... The Funeral Insurance will be paid and Life Insurance sorted... There will be a list of passwords to my cyber-life and links... Please send my regards.

BUT!! Not yet... I don't have my shit-in-one-sock yet, or for a while... so stand-down the morticians.

...with all that typed and checked for spilleng mistooks, it'll be saved directly.
To small avail, really... a tiny bit off my chest, feelings shown which I'd hope were known and recognised... but not many really know any.

I'll finish the second bottle of Port, always wishing that I could and would express my feelings and intents, beliefs and bewilderments, at the world, sober... to the people in it, they may they react and do ...shit!
FFS! I do not hate anyone. ...Some are hard to understand, but ...Pffggffph ...everyone has kids and a partner and wants to get on in life...!!

I only have 1 of those three points. Single, no kids, want to continue doing a best version of Me.

All the HUGE issues that Fuck-Shit-Up... religion, politics, nationalism, sectarianism, ethnicity, branches, back-rooms, hidden agendas, and all that puss is not really due in the fact that ...Hey! You and I are living on the same planet... The only home we have... I don't actually hate you...
It's my “Bosses” that say I should kill you... Reasons? Religion, Nationalism, Ethnicity.... etc
What a load of Rubbish!

...Phew! That's a big rant, Pete!?
Yes, yes it was...! I'll sleep well tonight.

My best to anyone that gets this far.
My best thought and wishes to all...

Pete, Out.

Sometimes, oftentimes... there is the urge to say what's on one's mind!

Usually good, really... being a nice person. 

But then... when the nice person relents... There is the want and the need to rant and rage about ...fucking everything and all! 
Because it all seems not a bit fucked, but all-fucked! 

I apologised to someone on Facebook for speaking harshly to her... then she posted stupid anti-vax krap that ...then she agreed with my dismissal of her post!?  WTF? 

Don't tell anyone... but I actually like people, generally. But, there are so many exceptions to that ...ideal, it makes me wonder! I'm not a fan of humans, as a race...  Most 1 on 1 are fine, in small groups are ...OK. Grouped...? Suss as fuck!

And there lies Pete... Something to the Left and something else to the Right and... something about clowns and jokers and... I never liked that song!

Rants are all about spouting shit and voiding emotions and saying stuff... It's hard to actually say what one means, feels, gets sick-in-the-guts, the-heart about...

Typing isn't hard [Fuck Grammarly!] but emotions and thinking are awful and shitful to put in a post. 

I hate SO much and so many shitty things... homelessness, addiction, domestic violence, violence*, idiots, thoughtlessness, bad manners, ignorance... Phew... Pfft! What do y'do? 
It pisses me off! 

I consider myself a "nice bloke". 
I try to portray Nice to others. 

*Violence: By an authorised Force, is justified. 

 

20/11/22 16:40:31
Sometime ...one just wants to VENT ones spleen and say how fucked life is and how much it sucks! [and then y' have to edit your own shit typing, LOL!]
From the start... I was lying awake, tossing and turning, arranging sheets and blankets... thinking “Either get up, go for a piss or go back to sleep; dickhead!” ... It's not that hard.
Liver! I wanted Liver... with Bacon and a Beef Gravy!
Cravings are NOT to be discounted... Y' don't crave something y' don't need. The body doesn't crave something it doesn't know...
I'm craving Liver... I know Liver. I've had it before... My body knows it has Iron and Protein and all the good kit...
I've never craved Raspberry Ice-cream as I've never had it... Ergo... Trust a craving!
Not chocolate or tobacco or booze!!! They are hidden by sugar or habit....!!

And... after a shower, a walk, a wait [doing a Kindle Book] and a bus-ride... “Thank-you” Bus-driver... a short wander to the Swooper-Markt...
NO FUCKING Liver! FFS! ...LOL! That was the whole purpose of my trip...
Ha!
Steak and Kidney, of some form, tonight.... There must be some form of sustenance in kidney I crave... probably Iron, I suspect...
We'll see... I'll see, probably.

I've spent my day [Sund'y] on a bus, waiting for a bus, at the Super-Market... waiting for another bus while watching that odd-bloke [it's a bus-stop!] ... and home again to go on-line gobbing-off to friendly folk... some of whom don't deserve it...

Yes... Issues to sort!

Life continues as I sort it... Thank you, everyone that has concerns... I'm OK, just spouting! Venting my spleen, as the phrase happens... 

Pete, gobbing-off; but OK. Rest! Standdown, please. 

Friends are always close but never close enough... Kameraden more so... Siblings are more difficult than Mates... 
It's all good... I'm going nowhere. You read... you know.. I'm a bit fucked up but still OK... 
And... LOL! I've not yet figured what I'll eat... (I have cabbage and spud to go with meat/protein, some fruz peas etc...)

I feel a bit more than a bit pox... but generally OK... somehow, oddly... Maybe, I've spoken/written how krap I feel is cathartic (OMGoodness! A WeBlog?? WTF Saying what I feel.... ) 
Weird... I'm not into expressing my feelings, but I imagine no-one here will notice... [check my stats! It's quiet!] 

Thanks for reading and saying fuck-all... I just want to gob-off and spout shit... No comments or replies are required. 

Pete, Out.

 

 Could you be the one?

(13) Husker Du - Could You Be The One - YouTube

I'm a "bit more than drunk" maybe even 'pissed' and had a lot to drink, if this ever gets to a yankee audience... Yank = 'Murica not Nth v Sth, get over it! 

Fucking yanks, high and almighty... wishing damnation on others! ...That's mighty neighbourly of you "Brother".... 

How's that working for you?

 

15 Nov 22 14:09

September October is now November... I must make a point of doing this more often...

October was Janets b/day, Beersheba Day [a Regimental Birthday] a Memorial Service for two young IETS (Diggers doing Initial Employment Training)

...and krap after krap of hour-long phone calls to Centrelink... over a 2-3 y.o. Dole-Issue. End result? I'm broke and no dole-money for another fortnight or so...

They fucked-up my payments, I'll pay it, that's fair... But NOT all in one-hit... NOT after YEARS!!! Come on!

On-The-Dole... never good, but not unusual. 

The young fellow that received one of my calls, let's call him Aaron, was very helpful, new at his job and had to look-up "IMP" (Income Maintenance Period) as his training didn't cover it... suggested it was a 'misalignment of pay versus reporting periods' and 'give it a week and it should fix itself'... Yeah! Right! Thanks... 

The next was also very helpful, personable and empathetic! She, let's call her Mary, reckoned "that's not right!" and saw how stopping payment "isn't a sensible approach" or words to that affect. I saw the blind judgement of Robo-Debt in affect, again! Mary put in place an inquiry... "which won't fix the problem, immediately" ...two or three weeks, [probably].

Sincerely, thanks Mary!

Today, after reporting my income four days ago, a payment didn't happen, again... 
(Ever since the introduction of "Workforce Australia" reporting and response has turned to shit! Each time, I need to get-on-the-phone, do an hour+ on hold, and sort stuff...)
Today... after a record-breaking 2:01:16 On-Hold, I was told "that's all fixed"... 
"Apparently! So far, so good..." I retorted, kindly and asked why and how this problem arose... 
There was lots of Umms and Arrghs, obfuscation and dodging-blame responses...
I let the poor worker-bee drones know "It's NOT your fault, it's the system! I'm NOT blaming you..." ...but something stinks!

So... after checking my bank account, five hours after "immediate transfer" ...no money has been placed in my account, the matter is unresolved, I'm broke, looking down the barrel of homelessness... and ... a 50+yo bloke without a license doesn't look good to any prospective employer... 

Welcome to ...next?!

...the tears are always present

 ...the tears are always present, funny, sad, puppies.. snuggly pigs, tragic events, hard won battles; et al ... I'm tearing up and wiping my eyes. 
Supressed memories or repressed emotions; I twitch and squirm and dry my eyes... "This is supposed to make me feel happy... Why am I crying?" ......the tears are always present. 

There's some reason, surely... 

I feel more than 'a bit shit'. 

NO EXPIRY DATE ON LEST WE FORGET ! !

 I have a Memorial Service to attend... Which is Good and Shit, at the same time... 

...Two Diggers died, in training, at a School, not attached to a Regiment so beyond the official investigation and dutiful memorial, commiserations to the Family, sadly it went by the by. No bullets flying, no visible enemy... No massive fireballs of exploding helicopters or Active Service, etc... ...Two young Diggers killed in a training accident. 

It was 1988... I'd Corp Transferred from Artillery to Armour and a fellow 107 Bty Signaller [and concurrent Malaysia Veteran] came in on the Course following me... 

Any Army job is potentially dangerous and more kit = more dangerous, in training. 

In battle, more kit is supposed to protect a Digger as he's well trained. 

But the start of training is learning the systems and components... then going out for a show-drive about a week or so later... where the 'Driving and Servicing' Instructor will cautiously let the students "take the sticks"!

Armoured Vehicles [usually called Tanks] are tricky beasts! They are brisky as a Colt, stubborn as a Mule, solid as a Charger and finnicky as a Filly. ...Descended from Cavalry, modern Armour holds the scary and huge image, as well as the pernickety and fragile of horses... 

On the Demonstration Drive... An M113 drove down a steep hill... Demonstrated by the Instructor. 

I've spent many, many hours Driving and Commanding Carriers [M113] and it's usually grinding vibrating routine... But when you're young and new; it's exciting! 

Something went shitful and the world went total pox... a car went wrong on a steep slope and ... Oh Shit!

An accident! Two Diggers died in the accident...  Everyone saw the dust cloud and heard the radio calls... and witnessed the shit-fight yonder. Frantic calls to Range Control, ...triage of the wounded, the time-lapse of the call-then-help... 

I was not on their Course, but the Course prior... I barely remember David Stanley or Rod Slade... a Mate from my previous posting was on that Course so I dropped in, meeting a lot of lads... 

My mate reached out and said "Hey... Do you remember..." 

Mates call mates answer... 

I remember... !! My mate remembers... 
He said and reminded me that " Lest We Forget!" has no expiry date! 

Days later... (After many months of messaging and calls and to-ing and fro-ing to Organise the Memorial Service...) I met with my Mate (who gave me a ride, put me up on a spare bed in his Motel and gave me a beer) and ... 

The Memorial was cathartic, heartfelt, touching and a release... for those poor sorry folk that experienced the trauma of 30+yrs ago. 
I tried not to tear-up... and succeeded. (Yay for me... any everyone else that didn't.
Sadly... but a teary group-hug is NOT the ideal... )

I touched base with many blokes who were still living the trauma... denying it, side-stepping or just adding it to a litany of other horrors... We had beers and told "war-stories" [which have naught to do with Battle, but of funny stuff and pranks and wankers] and kept a stiff upper lip while being Calm and Considerate... 
My Mate gave me a lift to the train... I was proud that I didn't burst into tears, in his hire-car... I wanted too! 

I'll stop now... 

 Someone will eventually read my missives... Maybe forensically... maybe out of sheer curiosity... 

 It's a bit shit, when you can't decide between "can't be bothered/too cold" or... my gear is in rag-order and I'll make it worse if I lube up and put it on.... 
So... I do a lot of vinyl and PVC because it's easier.... 

I must fix my latex kit! 

I am really sad, sorry, lonely and rather dysfunctional at the moment... All the platitudes and caring phone calls are helpful ...but Not! Y'know? 

I feel like I'm losing it... But I know I've got shit under control, mostly... I keep wanting to cry but only have tears well up... happy, sad, glad... cute dog videos, war movies... reminiscences... here it comes! Blurry tears... !! 
WTF?! FFS! 

I don't want help but... It'd be nice!

Ummm, yeah! 

If you read this... you'd know I'm a kinkster... rubbery and kinky... That makes a lot of things harder. 
I'm also what I'd like to term "a nice bloke" and don't want to take advantage of anyone... not even submissives... which is a bit odd and more than a bit shit! ... 

Fuck, eh?! It's life Jim... but not as we know it! 

I have a drinking problem... I admit ... I'm now thinking of it as fluid-cide... I recently stopped drinking! Worst 36hrs of my life, cold turkey!

I reckon I need to walk into, or at least phone the local piss-tank [ACSO] (rehab) ...which is not an easy order... 
It's admitting defeat! I'm trying by drinking less, usually... setting small goals, tidying my flat; 2-3 jobs a day, sleeping more... 
...it's not working very well!

I now have a bottle of whiskey, and happier, and writing... 

I care, largely because my siblings would be very upset if I got sick or died... Which is the wrong reason, surely. 

I've done drying-out/rehab before... Twice... they give you drugs to calm you and "replace the booze" ... but then it stops! ...And I'm left feeling just as fucked-up as before but sober and clean! 
Maybe I need  pshrink to go along with it... (They're hard to find and get... even on a DVA Card!) 

Sleep is hard... I only need 5-6 hours! If I go to bed at 2200; I'm awake at 0400... What does one do, on the dole at 0400? ...videos, gaming and "a couple of drinks!" which turns into more and more... of course, being a booze-hound! 
I was gainfully employed and 'in control' until I saw a booze-bus... into the van, with two very nice coppers and lost my licence! ...Bugger! That sucks, but it's you're own fault; Pete! ... 

Shit, eh?

 I don't often post here, and usually pissed or upset when I do.... Because? Me! 
I've so much to blurt about I don't know where to start... 
Do Not Answer, Don't reply... You may care, but if you know me, you'll know how to contact me... 

I'm not a fan of people, of humans... Most are OK but the rest are dead-set arseholes! Really! 
Traffic... OK Roll your eyes... It's a usual constant in our lives... Why the fuck? WTF do some dickheads need to try to barge through a 60 zone, that's at 40.... heavy traffic, it happens! ...they save 1 second and become ADHD idiots.... Slow the fuck down! Relax!

Sometimes.... I just wander/wonder about people in general... Me included! 

I have SO much to say but .... twitchy and scared when I write.... How fucked is that?

Nevermind! Carry on!